How to ooze coolness for the uncool

I really want a pair of clumpy heeled shoes; the kind of shoes that you can wear with anything and you’ll be given instant fashion credentials. And I do so badly want those shiny fashion credentials… *drool*

ASOS suede ankle boots £70

Topshop black suede slingback platform sandals £65

ASOS suede cross strap high sandal £55

In my head these shoes will automatically place me in a prime fashion position. Indeed in my head these shoes will undoubtedly help me take over the world in a completely vain and superficial way. After all how could anyone not fall in love with me if I was to wear a pair of these shoes? They just ooze coolness. Coolness that, if I buy a pair of these shoes, could ooze into my very being! People would then comment on how I ooze coolness! They’d say “Look at her, she oozes coolness”! I could just be one big ball of oozing coolness! Or at least I would have been if that little thought rant had not just been made public… it’s scary how uncool I can make myself. These shoes however would rectify that. I could say ‘ooze’ to my heart’s content in these shoes. That would be the life.